With love, a Civilian and Death God
by 6Fortius9
Summary: Dear Father in Heaven, I have been kidnapped by Uncle Garp. Please help me. With Love, your precious, darling son
1. Chapter 0

With love, a Civilian and Death God

Chapter 0

XxX

Dear Father in Heaven,

I have been kidnapped by Uncle Garp. Please help me.

With Love, your precious, darling son

XxX

I hate this. It stinks. It hurts. And it burns everywhere. Why must I be dragged to the most abysmal places in East Blue by my stupid Uncle? Or more precisely, why do I have to be related to any of the characters to begin with? Anyone else would have been better – a random street guy killed by random devil fruit powers, a journalist, a weak pirate or marine…

"I hate this…" I groaned.

Civilians aren't made to trek in the mountains of Dawn Island. Give me a break.

"Bwahaha! You sure are weak, Minoru! I bet even Luffy can defeat you in your state!" Garp shot me a smirk.

Stupid D's. I rolled my eyes. Stupid Garp and stupid One Piece. Sure, choose the freaking main character to compare me to. Even if I have nine years ahead of him, it's clear who the winner is.

"Not all human beings have the same monstrous build as you and him, Uncle." I gasped out. "Frankly speaking, you marines and pirates are an entirely different species altogether."

"Bwahahaha! Still, that doesn't excuse your lack of effort in making up in the physical area." Garp glanced at my thin, wiry frame. I scowled.

"I am a _civilian_ , Uncle." I emphasized. "Tiny and weak are the main attributes to being civilian."

"Uh-huh." He nodded indulgently.

I sighed. Knowing Uncle, my words had totally bounced off his thick head.

"Still...You're seriously too slow, Minoru!" He boomed. "It's been a day and we still haven't reached the summit. Can you be any slower?!"

I groaned. The urge to slam my head into the tree was growing too quickly for my liking, but I held back. Being mauled by another death serpent or kung fu monkey is never a favorable way to go the second time.

Why must I be related to this man?

Ah, if only I have paper at this point. I want to write another letter to my dear father in heaven, primarily focusing on why he hadn't escaped to the other side of the world to avoid Garp, and why he just had to tell his accursed brother about my existence. I heard paper airplanes can somehow carry their message to their intended receiver if flown from a high altitude. Or at least, that was what the Uso Island said.

Then again, there was that rumour about messages in glass bottles being able to reach the deceased. And hadn't it been a fun experience dropping one into a sea king's mouth? Smoker had a heart attack rescuing me from the sea king's clutches.

"Yosh."

I paled. What was he doing? Why was he lifting me up over his shoulders like that? And why was he extending his arm back-

"Tell Dadan I say hi!"

The jerk tossed me.

He fucking _tossed_ me.

Apparently, Dawn Island has cumulonimbus clouds around this time of the year and rain will likely be rampant. And it's shaped like a moon. And the skies are blue and the other islands are visible and there is a bird smirking at me before me and I am fast falling-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"

" _A-ho!"_ The bird cried, flapping its wings. In English, that cry translates to 'stupid', for your information.

Tears escaped from my eyes as ground approached me – or is it I approach it? I would have clasped my palms together in prayers had there not been air resistance. Regardless, to think that this was how I would go the second time...If I am reborn a third time, I hope I would be able to meet Garp in the next world and somehow kill him for this.

My amazing Tarzan mimicry was cut short by a series of 'ouch' and 'youch' and all other pained cries as the branches of the trees pricked into me.

My pain does not stop there.

Through the blurring world of greens and browns, I saw a flicker of peachy tan skin. Before I could even process it with my spiraling eyes, I crashed into the poor guy, squashing him for all I was worth.

"ARGH!" The squeaky, slightly childish voice cried out.

I feel like crying too.

This is too much in one day for any civilian teenager to put up with.

"Get off! Get. Off!" The child yelled, struggling against my weight.

Poor child. Unfortunately, my body has lost all control over itself and I can't move. Sorry, but you're just going to have to bear with being flattened until Garp comes.

" _My, my~"_ A woman's voice chuckled in amusement.

" _Haha! What an interesting turn of events!"_ A man's gruff voice spoke in turn.

I froze, ignoring how the child tensed in turn. There was a layer of haziness that was covering their voices – kinda like listening to muffled voices, talking behind a door. And it was all too familiar to me.

Did I mention it? As someone who was technically both deceased and alive, while I get to maintain a physical form in this world, I have attained a single non-devil fruit ability of being able to communicate with the spirits.

The ability isn't very useful, especially when you're in a dog-eat-dog world where eight foot tall men were common sights and people with devil fruit powers pop up on an almost daily basis. I prefer to ignore that ability altogether unless it was for the sake of my occupation. However, there are always limits to how much one can ignore their presence.

This was one such case.

I lifted my head just briefly, catching a glance of strawberry blonde locks and a ruffled black mug with black mustache and similar wide smiles of amusement.

" _Ace, don't just sit there with that look. You have to help the poor boy."_ Rouge chided lightly, ghosting a hand over the child's raven locks.

Ace shuddered, looking confused as he did so.

" _Honey, you forget that he cannot hear us."_ Roger smiled.

" _Ah, indeed, I have."_ Rouge returned a sad smile.

My right brow twitched twice.

Come to think of it, there was a myth on Uso Island as well about the twitching of brows. If it was the left brow twitching, something good will happen, vice versa for the right brow.

It was twitching the day before Garp came for me, and the morning before I was swallowed whole by the sea king, and just before we reached this island, it twitched over ten times.

It twitched again.

I have a looming sense of doom.

" _I hear Garp coming in this direction."_ Roger suddenly said.

Ah, so it's because of him.

Unabashedly, my sense of self-preservation decided to knock me out there and then. I could already feel my head pounding. Darn it. This is exactly why I tried to avoid the characters for so long.

XxX

Dear Father in Heaven,

I take back my words. Please send me into my third rebirth soon.

With love, your unfortunate, poor, _poor_ son

P.S: Don't laugh at my dilemma.

XxX

A/N: Please tell me what you think of this story :)


	2. Chapter 1

With love, a Civilian and Death God

Chapter 1

XxX

Dear Mother in Heaven,

Children are the most terrifying devils in existence. There is simply no doubt about that.

Thank you for giving birth to me.

With love, Minoru

XxX

I woke up to the familiar feeling of something murky on my face. It was a strange feeling. Like putting on lots of make up or having someone paint on your face. I believe most parents and okama would know that. Of course, I was never a parent, but having to babysit your childish Uncle is somewhat equivalent to that, I believe.

The laughter and snickers of the most terrifying devils in existence kindly hinted at the deed. And it wasn't funny. At all.

"Shishishishi…" That was the telltale laugh of one obnoxious monkey brat.

"Hee – T-tsk." And the futile attempt to regain a tsundere character pointed to the one other kiddy relative I know of.

My brow twitched.

Since when did Bastard Garp bring Luffy to the bandits' shed and how could they bond over my suffering?

My hand snapped up and cuffed the closest brat around the head. With a gasp, Luffy was successfully restrained and captured.

"You…You little overly enthused artist…!" I hissed, forcing a smile on my face.

Hey. Even as gruff as I may seem, I did have a little brother in my past life. Being the responsible, civic minded big brother I was, all cursing has come to be automatically erased from my vocabulary around kids (courtesy of one angry mom and silent glaring dad).

Luffy twisted around in my hold, laughing.

"Nii-chan, you called me an artist, so that means you're happy with the drawing?!" He beamed, stars in the eyes and all anime effects.

My right eye twitched again. I glared through a smile.

"I am absolutely pleased with your graffiti talent, Luffy-kun." Note the sarcasm dripping from every word. "However, that doesn't excuse you using my face as a canvas…So I must give you punishment!"

D's are sturdy, thankfully, so I can dig my fingers in however hard I want. Toss in the rubbery element and you have a perfect stress ball for such situations.

"HAHAHAHA! S-Stop! Nii-cha-chan!" Luffy choked out. "It tickles!"

I caught the "meat" kanji on the reflection of my face in the window pane and I dug my fingers in harder.

"You…endearing meat-loving little meatball-!" I smiled despite the vein popping on my face. "It's certainly admirable that you are learning to write…But who said you could use my face as paper…?!"

"Ho- How did you know that?!" He laughed in confusion.

"I wonder how." I pulled his cheeks apart, enjoying the way it stretched like a chipmunk. Maybe this is why the Strawhats are always more relaxed than the typical man; their stress is relieved by their captain.

"Minoru!"

SLAM!

I stretched out my hand at the worst possible time and got hit by the door. Garp seem oblivious to my injury as he poked his head in, lips lifting in an irritatingly cheerful grin.

"You're awake!"

"Uncle…" I groaned, cradling my hand.

"Ji-chan! You came back!" Luffy leapt to his feet, smile gone and replaced by a frown. I assumed Garp went back to the ship to check things out. "I thought you weren't coming back!"

"Bwahaha! Did you really want me gone that badly?"

Luffy paused, contemplative. In that instant, I knew the little idiot was going to run his mouth off and opened my lips to stop him, but it was too late.

He nodded passively, honest as hell.

"Mh. I didn't want you to come back."

SLAM!

"You've got some nerve saying that."

Smoke drifted up from the single bump on Luffy's head. The kid slid down from his position on the wall, drooping onto the ground, unconscious.

I facepalmed. After seeing Garp's tough love, I was starting to regret what I've done to the kid.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Ace slipping out of the room. Not that I could blame him. I hardly want to stay in the same room as the meatball and the cannon on legs. Maybe I can join him…

"Minoru!"

"Yup!" I jumped.

"Remember my orders! You're going to stay here like a good little boy and teach the two brats how to read and write!" He huffed, folding his arms. Unknown to him, that single action of puffing up his chest always makes him bigger in the eyes of midgets like myself – an unintentional act of intimidation that would always work.

…Usually.

My eyes twitched, lips twisting up into a grimacing smile.

"Uncle, you are every bit a responsible adult, marine, and Grandfather, so you will not leave your grandchildren just like that…will you?"

"Hn?" He opened an eye, stance faltering.

A moment later sounded an explosion and found a hole within the mountain bandits' den. One white haired old man dashed out into the forest, never mind the fact that the full moon was hanging from the night skies or that he just dumped most of his remaining relatives in a hut full of criminals.

"Come back here, Uncle!" I yelled. I tried not to leave the hut, of course. I'm a civilian. No need to challenge my limits by going into the most dangerous forest in East Blue.

"Take good care of them!" Came the gruff yell that grew softer with the distance.

That bastard…

I want to hit something, but then again, my hand ached.

Behind me, the smaller monkey – a miniature version of Garp minus the logic and marine responsibility and multiply the ignorance and innocence and idiocy by a hundred – was rousing already, a groan on his lips as he shook his head free of the punch induced daze.

"…Is it dinner already?" He blinked.

I groaned and facepalmed. Going up to the closest wall, I slammed my head into the wood, knocking myself out into blissful unconsciousness. Sounds of the happy monkey's laughter were the last things I heard.

XxX

The good thing about insomnia is that with the few extra hours, you get to be more productive – however half-dead your brain is.

When I woke up mere hours later to the hooting of owls and the typical obnoxious snoring of D children, I set to work on earning the mountain bandits' favor: I fixed the hole with whatever wood I could find and a few hammer and pins, I unpacked my things, organized their things, cleaned the hut, polish a few things, even made breakfast for them.

The bad thing about insomnia, however, is the fact that I have to spend a few extra hours with the dead. And that is nothing to be pleased about. At all.

Rouge was following me everywhere I went, murmuring happy words about the now clean state of the hut while grumbling about my health. Roger, of course, followed her in a futile attempt to remind her that I supposedly am not able to hear her fussy words at all. Then occasionally, she would hug him, pleased by his sweetness, and I have to bear with a round or ten of public display of affection while mopping the floor.

I sulked and tried to ignore it.

" _Isn't it time to sleep? Even if you slept quite a lot in the afternoon, it is never good having your sleeping hours disrupted."_ She murmured by my side as I hammered a piece of wood from outside the hut.

I hit it harder than needed. I ignored her.

She became disheartened.

" _Rouge-"_

" _I know."_ Her gaze fell. She held her dress firmly. _"You…you really can't hear us, can you?"_

Nothing is ever more heart wrenching than a ghost who just cannot understand that she has died. Still, I had a fair bit of experience with them, so I ignored her soundly.

" _Love."_ And Roger stepped in just in time, pulling her into his arms. _"It's okay. He can't hear you, but I can hear you alright."_ He nuzzled her nose and she giggled.

My eyes narrowed. Diabetes. Too sweet. Urgh.

" _Besides, doesn't this trait sometimes work in our favor?"_ He grinned. He better not be suggesting…

Rouge blushed. She _blushed_.

My eyes widened in disbelief. I turned back to my work before they noticed the lack of rhythm in my hammering. As they continued in hushed whispers still too audible for my ears, I tried my best to bleach my mind clean with thoughts of my impending life with D children.

Sigh. That's better.

Still, Ugh. Just…Ew.

Ghost or not, that's just too much information for me.

XxX

Dear Mother-in-heaven,

I'm sorry to say this.

I am _so_ very glad that you left this realm before Father died.

With love, your son

XxX

" _WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!"_ Birds flew off. Trees shook. I wondered if that is a high pitched man or a low tenor woman.

The door slammed opened, allowing a glimpse of the messiness of the rousing criminals and D children inside. A large creature with orange curls and beady dark eyes stepped out, shocked eyes wider than they already were. I felt the urge to take a ruler to them and measure their diameters.

"Y…You!" She, I now recall with the aid of her bust, yelled. "Are you the one who did this?!"

I pinned the last cloth up and stepped down from my makeshift ladder – a piece of wood they were readying for cutting.

"Yeah." I responded.

Her cigarette bud dropped to the ground. Her minions woke, rubbing sleepy eyes before they finally took in their surroundings and voiced similar words of shock. Then, they began dashing about, screaming bloody murder about magic or teleportation or something along those lines.

I smiled.

Well, it seems my plan to gain their favor has worked.

Though…I still don't know their names.

"You…! What's your name?!" She asked before I could.

With a polite dip of my head and a makeshift bow, I smiled and introduced myself.

"Lily D. Minoru. Lily being the surname." At once, her expression changed into dread. I was quick to correct her before she misunderstood. "I'm a civilian D, so no worries about me destroying your house like my monkey relatives."

"Even if you do, I bet you could fix the damages." She looked awed. "I can hardly believe this is the same house we used to live in."

"I'm a novelist, so I know some tricks for just about everything." I smiled charmingly.

"This goes beyond amateurish fixing!" She exclaimed in turn.

"My friends say that I'm a good novelist." I shrugged. Friends…Being that one single true friend-who's-more-like-a-self-imposed-servant and his servants, of course. I'm not a very sociable person despite my occupation.

She gave me a dubious look but dismissed her suspicions anyway and slapped me on the back.

"Well anyways, even though you're a D, you're welcomed here anytime. I'm Dadan by the way, the head of this gang of unruly brats! Nice to have you here, Minoru." Ah, so Dadan is her name…I could hardly remember much after all these years despite that one notebook I kept.

"I'm Dogra." The sour looking tiny man voiced.

"I'm Magra!" Spoke the other much larger man with a red chicken hairdo.

"I'm Minoru." I returned, giving them another polite smile.

They are my hosts for the time being, so it is best to keep myself in all their good books. As a civilian, there isn't much else I can do, and I loathed having to call for the marines' help. They're always so condescending to us.

We had breakfast around the large table I had made for them, consisting of eggs and sausages and sandwiches. With individuals introducing themselves to me, I made small talk about my adventures and grumbled about Garp, in general. It felt nice, absent of all things crazy that always surrounded the D.

"-But you…You're unexpectedly normal despite being a D." Dadan bit into another sandwich.

I shrugged, leaning back.

"My dad used to say that a civilian D is no different from an ordinary Joe." I reasoned. "Since he was a marine, he might be wrong though."

The door slammed opened – Right into my back.

I yelped and crouched, hugging my knees in pain.

"Minoru!" Dadan was oddly concerned.

In a terrifying mirror of Garp and the day before, Luffy and Ace walked in without a care in the world, slamming the door back as soon as they noticed the food. They plopped down beside me, totally oblivious to my newly inflicted injury.

Bas-…Idiots.

I didn't say anything. If they are anything like Uncle and his donuts, no words will get through to them anyways.

Drool poured from the younger child's mouth. The older held back, glaring viciously at Luffy.

"Minoru, you okay?" Dadan nudged me.

I winced and grinned.

"F-Fine." To the children, I waved my hand, drawing attention to myself. "Go on, eat. I promise I didn't poison any of the meat or food I've made."

It was like a signal. At once, Ace leapt in, squashing food into his throat and chewing vigorously. Luffy tried to grab one, only to have it stolen right out of his hands by Ace, and it sparked a match to get one of the sandwiches. Of course, Luffy, being the village kid, was never a match for the child of nature.

At the end of it all, I found myself sitting beside a seven year old with numerous red bumps, watching him chew sadly on that one single sandwich Ace decided he didn't want.

"Why do all D's have to eat like wolves?" I facepalmed with a sigh.

Ace stood with a slam to the table. Like the rebellious kid Garp mentioned to me, he aimed a single vicious glare at me and nodded before stomping out of the hut.

"…Wha…What was that?" I whispered in slight fear.

I expected this murderous intent. Heck, I even feared for my life, given the renown acts Ace once did to Luffy. However, no amount of visualizations could have prepared me for the actual killing intent.

Dadan sighed and patted me on the back.

"It's his way of saying 'thank you', I think." For what?

Dadan ignored my puzzled gaze and started another conversation.

"By the way, I haven't asked, but how are you related to Luffy?"

Luffy looked up at the sound of his name, though his eyes remained every bit disappointed as he munched on the bread.

I blinked at the question, pondering for a bit.

"I'm his first cousin, once removed. …I think." His grandpa's nephew. That should be right. "My dad took grandma's surname, so mine isn't Monkey, like this little monkey here."

I ruffled Luffy's hair.

"Whot tah?" He asked around a mouth of food. He swallowed. "Can I eat it?"

"I doubt you can eat me, so no." I replied soundly.

"Hm…Then that means you're quite a distant relative. I wonder why Garp put you with me despite that. You seem capable of handling yourself." She hummed.

"I wonder. He said something about me teaching the children or so. Since he's incapable of writing, himself, I really doubt that reason." I folded my arms, closing my eyes in thought.

"He can't write?" Dadan snorted, amused.

"Considering I take over a day to figure out his letter of three simple words, that's about right." I replied absent mindedly.

Maybe Garp had tried to make a logical excuse to get me to teach Luffy…Or he had someone help him with it. Or maybe…It's all just an excuse to get me to safety…But who would possibly target a civilian like me? Or more like…Nah.

I nodded in understanding.

"You understood something?" Dadan read my expression.

"Yeah. I think Uncle Garp wasn't thinking at all when he called me here." I deadpanned. She sweatdropped. "He's too big an idiot to bother thinking at all."

XxX

Somewhere else, said idiot sneezed.

Taking an officer's offered hanky and blowing his nose into it, he wondered if his nephew bought his excuse at all. He had blown his mind for an entire month trying to think it up afterall.

…Even if Sengoku did help him a teeny, tiny bit.

XxX

A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed, favourited, or followed!

Those who know me will know this is a very short chapter by my standards. I've never done a chapter within a week, and I will try not to, since it might jeopardize quality and my self-discipline, but please keep following this story.

I'm very glad that those who reviewed seem to enjoy my story thus far! Please share your opinion this time too!


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